For as long as I can remember, I’ve
loved to write. As a kid, I would sit
and write plays of various sorts. I also
wrote stories, poetry and just my thoughts. About the only thing I loved more than
writing is music, so I followed that more so than the writing, but ended up not doing much with it either. So here I am,
just a month shy of my 52nd birthday wondering why I never pursued
writing or anything else that was a passion of mine.
I always was a people pleaser of
sorts and I don’t understand where that came from, other than perhaps my desire
to be liked. That said, I tended to do
what someone else thought was a good idea for me to do, rather than what my
heart was telling me to do, so I have found that I don’t like my life very much
and I don’t truly know who I am. Perhaps
I do know who I am, but it’s buried down in my heart somewhere, because I have
repressed it so much over the years trying to be something I am not.
I suppose a part of it is not
knowing how to make a living from what I love doing. So many people love to write too and that
makes me no different than any of those people.
How do you establish a voice that rises above the crowd and make it so
you can make a living from your writing?
How do you follow your heart and feel good about it, when you don’t have
enough food in the house, or your utilities are turned off and your rent is 2
months past due? Most of the things I’ve
been really good at, one cannot possibly make a living from for the same
reason… me and millions of others trying to do the same thing. I’ve never understood how to start.
The only thing I have felt more
fulfillment from than writing, was when I was preaching on a regular basis at
New Hope Worship Center when I was pastoring there. I have never in my life before or since
experienced that kind of fulfillment, which is what made it so hard to
understand why it was taken away from me.
I have always thought that living a life of fulfillment was to be
desired and sought after, but for me, it seems that was not the case.
From life’s circumstance the last few
years, I have somehow lost that desire to ever preach again. And even if I did get it back, I’m not sure
if I could do it again. However, I know
that if God still desires me to, he will enable me to do it again ... I very
much long to have that kind of fulfillment again.
A couple of years ago, I had a psychiatrist tell me that I live
too much in my mind and not in the world.
I understood what he was saying and he was essentially correct, however,
it struck me as an odd thing to say too, because every great piece of
literature was created in someone’s mind and the author had to live there in
order to create such a story. Had not
J.K. Rowling imagined in her mind about Harry Potter, where would she be
now? Had not Mark Twain imagined the
Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, would we have known about life
growing up on the Mississippi River? And
that says nothing of Tolkien or C.S. Lewis and the worlds they created in their
great fictional works. These are all
places that were developed by living in their minds … presumably.
So given that, I can only surmise
that the difference between these authors and me is that they actually wrote
what was in their hearts and minds, whereas I have not. So, I’m going to strive to make the practice
of writing every day. I’m going to do
what I dreamed of doing my whole life and that is simply to write. I feel I have so much to say. I wonder if anyone really wants to read it or
hear it, but at this point, I don’t think that part matters anymore. That has always been my worry. Instead, I’m going to write for my own
sake. No longer am I going to ask myself
“What’s the point?” or “Why bother?” I’m
going to write simply because it gives me joy.
Just like with most writers, I long
to be able to make a living from my writing.
I can say that this is one of the things I want most in the whole world. I am also going to seek out ways to do
that. With the way things seem to be to
me these days, most everything I would seek to do seems to have a massive
degree of meaninglessness to it. I feel
that up until now, I have lived my life to just make a pay check. I want the rest of my life to have purpose
and meaning to it. I want to serve God
with my work and have a passion for what I do, rather than have to drag myself
out of bed every day and come up with a good reason to go to work. Ultimately, I want to be
fulfilled with my life.
So many times I’ve heard people say,
“Well, sometimes you just have to do what you don’t want to do.” Okay, I get that, but what about when you don’t
HAVE to? I recently read a list about
what successful people do. One of the things on that list that stuck out to me said that they don’t do what they
don’t want to do. I found that
significant, because it seems like I’ve been doing lots of things my whole life
that I didn’t really want to do.
Admittedly, there have been times that I started doing things that I
thought I wanted to do, but as I got into what I was doing, I found I didn’t
really want to do it after all, so I backed away. Consequently, that got me labeled as a quitter,
but on this side of it, what of it? The
thing I did not do to balance that out though, was to pursue the things I
really wanted to do. All I did was pick
up the next thing I didn’t really want to do and ended up doing the same thing.
I have to say that looking back, I
did like doing Christian Radio a lot and wish I had not made the stupid mistake
of walking away from that, but given the circumstances, I likely would have ended
up having to walk away anyway. That
said, I think it’s indicative of the fact that I am actually a communicator. My heart, mind and soul knows this, but I’ve
never had much to communicate, which is odd, considering I feel that I have so
much to say. I’ve tried sales and I
really don’t like bothering people to do that.
Plus, it seems like you’re almost required to lie in order to make a
sale. I just want to communicate. I like talking with people and relating to
them and sharing in the experience of the communication. The only thing that this really relates to,
to me, is writing. So what do I write
about? What do I communicate? I think Jesus is the best topic of all, which
goes without saying, so that’s part of it.
What else? That’s the issue. I suppose it can be nothing more than my
thoughts or feelings at this point. As
more comes along, I will do more. Finding
where that blog website I started a few years ago is a starting place, I think
too. Perhaps build an audience as I can.
So there it is. I’ll pursue being a writer and see what
happens. Now to figure out how to make
some money so I can pay the bills and eat while I do that.
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